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Thursday, June 28, 2007

Step-wise therapy/treatment of post-Lasik dry eyes

(Or how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb)

1) Solicit your coworkers for sad stories. If you know the difference between comedy and tragedy, you will understand why this step will not work. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die. (Coworkers: before you get mad at me, that is a Mel Brooks quote).

2) Stock up on preservative free Refresh Plus. Your ophthalmologist will likely recommend something thicker like Refresh Liquigel or Systane. Your ophthalmologist neither has dry eyes, nor has to stare at a computer all day; he does not understand that Refresh Liquigel and Systane are so thick that they will congeal on your eyes and make it impossible to see. No matter how hard you try, it is impossible to wash off a glob of Systane with more Systane.

3) Fill that prescription for the potent immunosuppressant (previously used to prevent the rejection associated with organ transplantation). If you had done your reading ahead of time, you would have started this step one month prior to your Lasik procedure. (Have no fear about the immunosuppression; the mechanism of action of Restasis is actually: put something really gritty in your eyes, and they will have no choice but to water. You could probably accomplish the same thing by rolling around at the beach).

4) Have your opthalmologist plug up your tear ducts. No, really. You have two tear ducts on each side. Start with the lowers. (Your insurance company will probably want to make this step 3, and Restasis step 4).

5) Moisture chamber glasses!!! I was looking around for some pictures of these really cool goggles that spray mist on your eyes, and have windshield wipers (on the inside) so you can still see. However, all I can find are these gems. They're designed just to prevent evaporation. (I assume there is not much market for these among the post-Lasik crowd).

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